What’s this? You’d like to know more…about me? Well, where to start …
I came into this world when a lightning bolt struck a falcon clutching a Budweiser in one talon and nunchakus in the other. This metaphysically cataclysmic event knotted the time-space continuum and birthed incomprehensible, interwoven multiverses where epochs had no beginnings, ends, or coherence. I emerged from primordial goo to scream at the night sky in existential anguish. Either that or my parents explored the roomy backseat of an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme back in late ’79. I dunno.
After growing up in a colony of wild bonobos in the Eastern Congo, I decided to see what the deal was with these things known as “humans.” Turns out they’re pretty dang cool. They invented stuff like “karate movies” and “taco Tuesdays” and “functional fitness” so it was worth trying on for size.
I did a little of this and a little of that over the years. Mostly that. But definitely not that. Midway through a monastery stint in Thailand I was approached by an old friend, US Army Col. Sam Trautman. He asked me to accompany him on a mission in Afghanistan. I stubbornly declined. He rolled solo, got snaked by the Russians, and was tortured in indescribable ways. I had no choice but to agree to a top-secret rescue mission. Most of what followed is lock-and-key classified but…since it’s just the two of us…I destroyed not one, not two, but three Mi-24 Hind attack helicopters (one with a turret, one with a tank, and one with a motherfucking explosive-tipped ARROW, what up?), cauterized an open shrapnel wound with gunpowder, and led a pivotal defeat of Russian mechanized infantry. You know what I say: “always outnumbered, never outgunned.” **puts down pizza to flex 9-inch-circumference arms** Aww shit yeah. And if you think I just lazily ripped off the plot to Rambo III, now you know why I’ve been trying to get that money from TriStar Pictures for three decades.
Hmm…what else would you like to know? My favorite hobbies are pestering Danielle and Chance, building perpetual motion machines from household items, writing professional web bios, and eating hefty servings of humble pie from my wife, Adrienne, and two daughters, Marin and Samantha. My favorite color is Doritos. I once triple-stamped a double-stamp. And I know the universal truth that the Chicago Bears are the greatest professional sports dynasty ever. Fight me.
In all seriousness, I love this gym and the community that’s been built, cherished, and stuffed in a hurt locker over the years. I went from mocking you CrossFit nerds to becoming one. A truly humble thank you for being an integral part of my happy place. You’re a ton of fun to be around.